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My foot has a gimmy
MYSPACE IS SHIT (last updated: 12/3/02 - come back for regular updates)
(this site is best viewed on intermet explorer 2)
My foot has a gimmy
MYSPACE IS SHIT (last updated: 12/3/02 - come back for regular updates)
YOU ARE VISITOR NUMBER:
4
This is a thing that many Scottish people will know well and some say it is diet related, e.g. if you overdo it on deep fired battered food, especially pizzas. Others say it is something to do with the drink, and comes about through cheaper drinks like Tennents Lager the kind you get in most pubs round here. Others think it is the Buckfast, but there is argument over whether it is due to blended whisky’s (thats Scotch for foreign visitors). There is a small but vocifeus body of opinion that says that the Gimmy is a midgie related problem, and personallyu I subscribe to this viewpoint. I was walking in the highlands in Knoydart (pronounced NOY-DART) in shorts as it was summer and some wee shit bit me on the back of my leg. It swole up and stayed there for absolutely years, getting itchy now and again.
I sometimes find the Gimmy switches foot if I’m writing or mixing songs, which is a surre sign it is a Gimmy which is quite benine rather than deep arterial thrombopsis which ofetne requires amputation, sometime as high up as the thigh if you’ve really been panning it in, but usually you have to wait until you’re fifty to be sure.
One way to keep your Gimmy under control is to wear thick socks and change them infrequently. Gimmy’s don’t like strong pungent odours like stale sweat so if you have to neglect some aspect of personal hygiene, your foot is best unless you do traditional folk music and wear open toed sandals and then you’ll just have to suffer in silence, a bit like most of the poor bastards who have to listen politlely
I’ve watched Alex Salmond at press condferences and I’m pretty sure he’s got a Gimmy on his right foot so if you do get one, then you’re in great company
✴If you’re not going to hang around long, click on the album cover you can launch a “pop up mp3 player” so you can browse somewhere else still and listen to the music at the same time. I can’t work out how else to do it, but it means you can browse elsewhere and still be hearing the stuff. So once again, CLICK ON THE ALBUM COVER (For regular visitor The web site has now changed and you can do this on the welcom page, thank yuou).
✴Also as an added bonus, as well as the album, you can hear the magnum opus “Instructions for shopping”. This is the Tesco mix version, but it also works well in other big supermarkets though you might find Co-op’s, Marks & Spencer, and the like not quite big enough unless you are a really slow shopper, or the queues are really bad which does happen sometimes. USA friends say it is really nice for Wal Mart.
✴
✴DO you have a shopping story? Let us know!
The 7 songs on the new album are:
1) Sign Me Up To Chemikal Underground 2) There Is Nothing Like A Nice Anthemic Ballad 3) South By Southwest Not 4) My Song Has Only Got One Chord 5) You’re Not New 6) The Tinnitus Song 7) I Love Your Blog
Sorry we are no longer accepting new fans!
✴If you are a fellow musician looking for a record deal here is some good advice.
✴
✴When you go to meet your first A&R person. Always take your best songs, the ones you can hum along to. Ask your friends and family which tunes they think work. A lot of them don’t have cassette decks any more so make sure you have a CD.
✴
✴Dress smartly - it really helps to have an eye on fashion, so the A&R can see you are in touch with the kind of thing young people like. When I was starting out I made the mistake of shopping at George, and sometimes H&M. People who work for record labels can spot unfashionable clothes a mile off . A nice silk tie like the one on my album cover makes a good impression and you can pick them up at a local charity shop.
✴
✴Get a PR company involved if you can afford it. If you can’t, try pretending you can since most of them work on tick. A good PR company will get you into the Herald or maybe the evening times if you live in Glasgow.
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✴Make a video, especially if you are good looking. You can usually tell this from your girlfriend - if people are eyeing her up when you go out, then you’re either a jammy bastard or quite good looking too. If you are a girl artist and get asked out a lot then you shpuld make a video too. General rule of thumb is for men more clothes, for women less.
✴
✴Find a promoter to put you on the bill at a local venue. The more tickets you sell the better your music will be, so don’t feel bad about getting even remote family members and long lost friends to buy tickets. If you sell plenty, then you will get more shows.
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✴Make a website like this and use facebook to get everybody to visit
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✴Don’t forget to make a good demo, as you will need to have one
There Is Nothing Like A Nice Anthemic Ballad
Verse
Well it starts with an acoustic guitar
As you wake up to the sound
Of music from afar
And your head feels like
A bucket full of glass
When you wake up lying
Face down in the grass
And it hurts
And the buzz that rises round you
Like the waters of the tay
Is the flies around the sewage
That wouldnae flush away
from the portaloo
you blocked up with your spew
Heard your girlfriend shout
Just as you're passing out
You are dumped
Ya bam
Chorus
There is nothing like a nice anthemic ballad
We can sing
When you've consumed so much lager
That the words don't mean a thing
We're anesthetised
We're completely fried
Verse
Well you went to hear the music
But someone stole your bling
Got lost on the campsite
And never heard a thing
Found your girlfriend blowin'
Your best mate in his tent
And she's no just dumped you
She's spent all of the rent
And it ends with the sound of your car
Axle deep in cowshit
You won't be going far
And your head feels like
A bucket full of glass
When you wake up lying
Face down in the grass
And it hurts
Chorus
-----------------------------------
South by South West Not
Verse
So you're going to south by south west
Been invited 'cos you're the finest
North west Dunbartonshire has got to offer
The looks, the chat, the boots, the specs, the hat,
The hair, the teeth, the self belief,
The attitude, you've got just what it takes
Pre-chorus
But beware
the funders have a place
A cellar down below their base
They'll hang you upside from your toes
stick sharpened pencils up your nose
Attach electrodes to your bawz
If you don't come back with a deal
Their wrath you're gonna feel
Gonna make you
Chorus
Sing
Like a Londoner
They're gonna make you sing sing like a Londoner etc..
Verse
So you've been to south by the west
You did your best, you played your finest
But only fourteen people came to see
You broke the bank, your hotel stank
You flew a half way round the world, for what
You didn't even get a decent sun tan
Pre-chorus
Chorus
--------------------------------------------------
I Love Your Blog
Verse
I love your blog
It is the best thing on the web
Told all my friends
They should subscribe
Lots of them did
Now they love you
They really do
They really do
I love your words
Like morning sunlight on the dew
In Pollok Park, after a tab
Or maybe two
The things we'd do
Just me and you
And everyone
Cos they all love you
They really do
We really do
Chorus
And if I sung like Twin Atlantic
Would you think I was fantastic
If I add a glockenspiel
Would that maybe seal the deal
(repeat)
Verse
Sent you a track
But you never emailed back
Now my heart is broke and empty
Just like my inbox filled with spam
And useless junk
Four one one scams
Hot Russian birds and their webcams
And your blog turns up each week
But I have never heard a peek.
Chorus
Not New
Chorus
You're not new
Verse
You're not new, so you must be old
Chorus
You're not new
----------------------------------------------
My Song Has Only Got One Chord
Verse
My song has only got one chord
only got one chord
one chord
My song has only got
only got one chord
one just one
chord
If thats not enough
If you're bored
If you need more chords
We can add some more
We can add some more
Chorus
My song has got a second verse
Its got a second verse
I'm only kidding you
Verse
Chorus, chorus, chorus
-------------
The Tinnitus Song
Well it started when you were just twenty three
Still so young and still so free
It was a quiet insistent high pitched tone
You only ever heard when you were alone
In quiet spaces, quiet place
So you saw a consultant and he did say
It never goes, it's hear to stay
Avoid loud noise as you get old
Now get to fuck 'cos you've been told
Get out
There is no cure
-------------
Sign Me Up To Chemikal Underground
Sign me up, sign me up
Sign me up to Chemikal Underground Records
Underground Records
(repeat)
I might slightly balsing
I might be slightly fat
My lyrics might be rubbish
and my music might be crap
But still each day
I Kneel, I pray
I hope to hear the words you say
Sign here
On the dotted line
Sign here
It'll all be fine
We won't let EMI
Get their hands on you
Act now
For this offer will expire
Together we can save the world
The world (repeat)
Oh God and Jesus
Please sign me up
For my life is shit
shit
shit
Tour DATES
6/8/2011 = Burger King, Glasgow Quay
7/8/2011 = Toilet
9/8/2011 = Facebook
10/8/2011 = Tesco Express, Battlefield
11/8/2011 = MOT Test, Mount Florida
12/8/2011 = Sports Centre, Bellahouston
13/8/2011 = Twitter
14/8/2011 = Achhuil Bothy, Knoydart
15/8/2011 = Oxfam, Fort William
16/8/2011 = Sammy Dow’s, Pollokshields
17/8/2011 = BP Shop ‘n Go, Shawlands
18/8/2011 = Farmers Market, Crosshill
19/8/2011 =
20/8/2011 =
21/8/2011 =
22/8/2011 =
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